stuck in between

All through highschool I I was told that I looked much older than I was, and not by just creepy old men either, people from whom I felt would tell me the truth...so why do I feel like I look about 14 years old now? It's like I've regressed in my maturing process, stepped back instead of forward....I think its time for a change.

Along the lines of feeling its time for a change, I feel a change is coming on. Everyother time in my life that I have felt this it was exciting and it seemed like such a cool thing to be going through. But this is just making me angry. Something in my life that is going to help me line up some of the pieces of what I've been looking at all these years is about to happen, I can feel it...but its not happening soon enough. And more than that, I feel that even if I do realize what change I'm supposed to undergo, circumstances will hold me in the position I'm at currently. Maybe its that for so long now I've felt wedged into a place I didn't belong and I finally see that there could be a more comfortable place, and yet its not mine, and I can't have it...atleast not right now.

I often think I was born at the wrong time...like there was this time in history I was supposed to come but I missed it so they gave me this slot. Maybe I even missed two places...because I feel I should have come much sooner somedays and other days I think I missed my slot by a few years.

I'm probably in the right slot, I just mixed up the ages at which maturity and juvenileism come.

Hurry up change....

ay me: Becca exposed

So I had an amazing weekend. It was so nice hanging out with my brother and his friends. This just proves that he should have moved with me up here. It was pretty crazy. I saw two completely different versions of what it can be like to be mid-tweenties...I've concluded I'm middle class and love it. I don't think there's anything wrong with this. I mean, its nice to get dressed up fancy every once and a while and eat at some swank restraunt, but who wants to be prim and proper all the time? Well...its fine for some...but me-give me a dvd of the best of Will Ferral, pizza, laughing friends, and an air matress that deflates in the middle of the night: perfect.

We went and saw Karl Denezen's Tiny Universe (sorry if mispelled) and it was so good. The main guy on the sax, his forearms were the size of a Crisco can, it was like the man had jack hammers for arms! So cool. Just good, slightly-jazzy jammin music.

I'm sorry if I've been excessively talk-a-tive lately. I used to have one place I'd go to when I felt like talking about everything but its gone. So you'll are getting what should be going to one place and its just kinda spreading all around. For instance this very entry...or any of y'all to whom I described my weekend....So I just became aware of this, like right now. And so thank you for listening to me, I'll take care of it.

Schools about to end...I feel like things are just starting to fit right for me, too...so its kinda sad...The contradicting emotions of excitement about my summer and my want to stay here are just kinda combining to make me anxious...like I've suddenly lost control because I never know what I want and all of a sudden I want two things and can only have one. Weird though, since its already settled which one is going to happen....should bring comfort, and yet it does not. Maybe I just need some sleep....or Starbucks...
So this all written, I feel I've said too much and shouldn't publish...but I guess I will since I haven't in so long...just remember its late and I'm not responsible for what's written...

Lifetime movies, leftovers, and puzzles

My back and shoulders are pink, thanks to the lovely weather outside today and the beautiful Marrion Square. I'm so thankful to live in a place and time when I can try to do my homework outside.

Thank you guys for my birthday. It was very nice. Thank you Leslie for calling me! Thank you Maggie, Emmie and Tadj for my purse and loving me enough to wake up THAT early to get it! Thank you Maggie for my cd and letting me wear the birthday crown; I felt like a real princess. Lupper was wonderful, desert was wonderful, and y'all are too. Oh, and thanks for takin me out, guys. Ioni, best cake ever (and sorry if I mispelled your name, not that you'll see this)

Went to Marrion Square today to do some work, bumped into Jules, and so we sat for a while. Went back later with Maggie the Magnificent =) We people and animal watched. Super cool. I'm so pumped we get to be roommates. Not that my situation is bad...but how awsome will it be to live with someone that you actually talk to, laugh with, and hang out with?! Such a foriegn concept but I'm game to try something new!

I recomend-singing into the water in the shower
I do not recomend-trying to syncrinize your blinks with the cursor bar so that you never see it; headaches may result from this game

I don't like when guys expect the girls to make the first call...I don't expect them to be the only ones to ever call...but the first time...it'd be super nice if they took care of that one...call me old fashioned-but just call me.

Brandon Boyd: You're an exception to the rule. You're a bonifide rarity. You're all I ever wanted; southern girl, could you want me?
Becca: Do you have to ask?

Weeping sounds alot like laughter...at least on Lifetime
Enough procrastination from my homework; English awaits. Good day.

God bless skirts, open windows, open doors, bikes, and awkward handshakes

"pleasant day, pretty sky, life goes on, here i lie-not bad, not bad at all"

My first memory of first grade: walking into Mrs. Chervanack's room for the first day of school with my pink, Minney mouse bookbag (this bag had a Minney head that stuck out from the top and two Minney arms that went over the straps so it was as if she were getting a piggy back ride from you) and my thought at that moment was "pretend you are a princess."

The wonder of life is that the most likable person can be disliked, and yet when we are disliked even by one person-it hurts. I'm choosing to not be mad today, or tomorrow. And tomorrow, I hope make the same decision, because that fact of the matter is that I'm trying my hardest to be the best me, but that's not going to agree with everyone. And for every person that I think negative thoughts on I choose to find at least one redeamable quality in that person. I'm tired of negative engergy; its time to emanate positive.

What's on Becca's Mind

I know I know, you've all been dying to know what's on my mind. I swear I get letters daily from you guys asking me what I'm thinking and by the way john, camping in front of my door isn't going to inspire me to tell you inner thoughts so just pack it up and move on-you're really scaring Timeria. But since it seems to be in such high demand, here's a list of things i've been thinking about (I know i'm a dork guys just bare with the self-inflation I'll be over it soon)

I'm thinking about

1) Where to go for College
2) People who mean(t) alot to me but for whatever reason are no longer talking with me
3) Going home
4) Teaching
5) This summer and whether I'll get the cool job of teaching kids or get stuck as the Intern Captain (pray for the first!)
6) that I need to share the story of Bandana Man (more to come on this later)
7) sex, and that things better start happening for Becca because hormones are going and I'm losing patience
8) marriage-will it ever happen?
9) dating and what a weird twisted and sometimes hurtful process it is
10) that its time for Becca to face facts-my matabolism ain't what it used to be and I should start helping it out
11) my relationship with God
12) people that i feel close to and hoping that's what they're thinking too
13) how cool it would be if I could somehow get the courage to walk up to a cute guy and kiss him, knowing I'd never see him again-note: i should do this before I die (and by before i die, i mean soon because it just wouldn't be attractive to be 80 and kissing a random guy) just to say i've done it, not because i'm skanky-no comments boys
14) how happy i am for my friend chris
15) that there are a million things on my mind and this list is getting long so if anyone is wants more explanation on one of these points I'll be happy to elaborate...and if there's anything you want me to write on in general, please send suggestions to becca320@hotmail.com

An Official Beginning to College (this was written for a class, but I like it so read this until I can think of what to post later)

Emmie and I floated out of the North Charleston Coliseum with persistent grins and the many melodies of Ben Folds playing in our heads. I felt like a lucky girl, indeed. I started running conversations through my head that I would have with my friends: “Three times, three times now I’ve seen him in concert! It just gets better. What an amazing start to college, seeing my ‘husband’ in concert in my first week here!” Despite our minds being clouded with such conversations and replays of the concert, we found enough mental clarity to call for a taxi and wait outside on the sidewalk for it to come.

Over the intercom system outside played a message from the coliseum which included among other things an official greeting and directions on how to get a safe ride if you were intoxicated; it played every two minutes. It really was a peaceful night and a good night for talking outside, despite the auditory annoyance. We were mostly alone, only the occasional drifter had crossed our path since we had left the concert early. Given our past experience with public transportation, we thought the earlier in the night we took the taxi the safer we would feel.

We reflected on our week of firsts as we waited. It was the first week living in a new city, the first time in college classes, the first time being an owner of a mini-fridge (are they supposed to sound like a lawn-mower eating a piece of metal at night?), and now the first attendance of a concert in college. This semester surely promised great things within the first week.

Emmie casually looked up and appeared to be somewhat entranced by what she saw. She asked me if it was Ben Folds walking towards us, and it was as if I had never heard that name in my life. She had to ask me the question several times before I realized who she was talking about. I followed her eye-line to a man in a stripped polo and converse tennis shoes walking with a dark-haired woman and a small little boy. It did look like him, and the woman and child fit the description of his wife and child. But why would he just be walking down the sidewalk so nonchalantly? Shouldn’t he be surrounded by guards?

The next five minutes are hard to remember, but he walked up to us I am certain. We talked about our crazy English teacher with whom he is friends and about that annoying speaker message. It was like talking to an old friend, only surface conversation but enjoyable for the mere reason of the company. I could almost imagine myself asking if he wanted to grab some supper with us until he asked if we wanted him to sign something. Oh, yes! That’s what you do when you meet someone famous, you ask for his autograph. We scrounged in our purses and found our tickets. He signed them, I mumbled out a thank you, and then he was gone. Emmie and I were back to our spot on the sidewalk filled with even more excitement from this adventure.

The dubious taxi-van eventually pulled up, with two old scruffy men in the driver’s and passenger’s seats. We climbed inside with our signed tickets tightly gripped, almost unaware of the pretty black woman in the middle seat who looked as if she were going to a club. We almost did not catch on to the strange way in which she was giving her directions. We did, however, become aware of our situation when we pulled in front of house with no lighting and no street number and she said “I guess this is it. He didn’t tell me his name or phone number. Blow the horn; see if he comes out.” The horn was blown, a man stepped into his lit doorway making his body a large shadow, and she went inside with the nameless man.

What a wonderful ending to an unbelievable night, sharing a taxi with a prostitute. Emmie and I joked about our awesome story we had to tell now, well, everyone except my parents. I realized this was the beginning to my carefully editing college stories for them.